


Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

by jesileigh



Series: Secrets, Secrets [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, F/M, Feels, Fraking Flashpoint, S5 Speculation, baby sara still exists, because screw you Barry Allen, detective small hands, post breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-23 12:04:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8327170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesileigh/pseuds/jesileigh
Summary: This was totally not the way she wanted Oliver to find out she was dating again.





	1. Chapter 1

Felicity had always been someone in need of a project. From the time she was five years old she had to be constantly in motion. She needed to be doing, building, going, making, thinking. It was this need that had driven her to take apart the computer her mother had saved for  _ months _ to purchase them at the age of six. She was curious--she just had to know how it worked. The ire on her mother’s face when she walked in on little Felicity in her too-big glasses surrounded by pieces of computer hardware was something that stuck with her to this day. She had hovered eagerly when the repairman came to piece it back together and built her own desktop a year later, almost to the day. 

In high school Felicity was part of no less than seven extracurricular activities, and president of four of them. She was the founding member of the school’s robotics club, a member of the mathletes, the speech team and the A/V club and managed the drama club’s tech for the fall play and the spring musical. College was the same--in addition to the hacktivist group she and Cooper and his roommate had put together, Felicity competed in debate club and had even toyed with the idea of joining a sorority (her mother’s idea) before giving that a hard pass. 

This insatiable urge to be constantly doing something had been her downfall when she and Oliver had drove off into the sunset together and then subsequently settled down in Ivy Town. At first it was fine; she had projects aplenty in painting and decorating and rearranging furniture in their new home. She even tried her hand at gardening and cooking--both of which were epic fails--before throwing in the towel and staying up at night after Oliver had gone to sleep to aide Laurel, John and Thea as they took on Damien Darhk’s ghosts back in Star City. 

In the months after Genesis Day, Felicity had plenty to keep her busy. She spent most of her waking hours (and many of those when she should have been sleeping) cleaning up broken glass and reassembling furniture and putting together a new computer system. When she wasn’t at the bunker cleaning up she was at the loft, doing basically the same thing. When things were finally back in order she found herself at the Diggle-Michaels’ residence trying to lend a hand with Sara so Lyla could get a break. 

But now, things were clean and orderly, Oliver had an actual job and Thea was avoiding the Arrow Cave like the plague. Which left Felicity with a whole lot of time on her hands and nothing to do with it. She had been in contact with the Palmer Tech board of directors but she knew her heart wasn’t fully in it. Curtis had been the first to tell her to take some time and figure out what she really wanted before she threw herself back into work. 

But the thing was she  _ didn’t know _ what she wanted. She didn’t know up from down. She didn’t know anything anymore except that her need to be busy was long past an itch and into full on obsession mode. If she could stay busy to the point of exhaustion she could at least manage three or four hours of sleep before the nightmares came on. If she was alone with her thoughts it was a matter of minutes before the gut-wrenching, nauseating anxiety overtook her. She’d watched a total of six entire series of television shows on Netflix in three months. Nearly five hundred episodes. Some of them weren’t even any good. But it kept her mind numb and busy, just like she liked it. She didn’t have to think, just exist. It was really the only thing she could manage some days. 

 

When she looked back on those three or four months of her life, she would guess it was that unending need to stay occupied that made her agree to the detective who had asked her out at the police gala that summer. Anything for a little bit of normal in her life. It was an added bonus that he was a transplant--recruited from a city on the East coast when the SCPD realized nobody local was dumb enough to sign up for the police force anymore. His not being a local meant he had no idea who she was--or who she’d recently been engaged to. It meant no pitying looks because he had no clue she’d been shot up in the back of a limo on the night of her engagement, no idea that she’d been paralyzed and learned to walk again just as her relationship fell apart and she lost her job and she dropped an A-bomb on a city full of innocent people. 

With Billy Malone she was just Felicity. A normal, albeit nerdy, blonde who loved coffee and mindless tv shows and did some freelance work for city hall’s technology department. Freelance work like setting up the Mayor’s new Anti-Crime Unit with their communication and surveillance equipment, which was the order of business for today. 

She was running a little behind because she’d gotten stuck in traffic on her way to city hall--for some reason the crater in the middle of the city was being kind of a pain to fix-- and when she finally arrived to Oliver’s office she heard him talking to someone in the back of the room at the conference table and took a moment to smooth her skirt and grab her tablet from her bag. 

“There she is!” Oliver’s voice boomed from the next room. Felicity fixed her lipstick quickly before turning to catch the last of his words. “This is who you’ll be working with to get you all set up with your comms and your video surveillance--she’s the best there is. I want you to meet--”

“Felicity?”

“Billy?” They spoke simultaneously and Felicity’s stomach flip-flopped violently as she saw Oliver and the detective standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Oliver’s eyebrow flew up as he regarded the two of them. 

“Oh--you--you two know each other?” Oliver asked. Felicity opened her mouth to speak, to make some kind of excuse but Billy was quicker as he stepped over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder lovingly. 

“Of course we know each other--Felicity is my girlfriend!” Felicity’s mouth went dry and her eyes closed in a painful wince, too afraid to look at either man. All she could hear was her heart thudding in her chest and it felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room and oh  _ God _ she was going to be sick. All over Oliver’s beautiful mahogany desk. If Billy sensed the awkward tension, he was doing a great job at concealing it and Felicity knew she needed to do something to ease it--to say  _ something _ but her mind was blank. 

“How do you know the mayor?” Billy finally asked and Felicity was  _ so _ not ready to have this conversation right now. 

“We’re old friends,” Oliver said, saving her from herself. “We’ve worked on a lot of projects together over the last five years. I told you--she’s the best.” She worked up the courage to look at him for a moment and tried her hardest to convey to him that this was not how she had intended for him to find out about this, but Oliver was deep in the throes of his Ollie Queen charmer routine, and but for a flicker of something in his eyes it was as though nothing had thrown him off at all. “So--should we get started?” he asked, directing his question at the detective. Billy eagerly agreed, following Felicity into the conference room with a supportive hand on the small of her back.

One hour later the men were chatting up a storm about some sports team or another--Felicity was too busy being in crisis mode to notice or care which-- when Oliver clapped Billy on the shoulder and thanked him for coming. 

“My pleasure, really. I’m looking forward to doing some real good in this city. Even better that I get to work with my girl!” He beamed at Felicity and rubbed her back, even as she smiled weakly and forced a chuckle, the fakeness of which was only rivaled by Oliver’s own faux guffaw. Again, Billy either didn’t pick up on it or was willfully ignoring it. He turned to Felicity, positively beaming at her. “Can I take you to lunch when you’re done here?” She nodded jerkily, doing her best to both pull away from the way he was stroking her arm for Oliver’s sake but not come off as cold for BIlly’s sake. God this was awkward. 

“Yeah--yes. Sure. I just--I’ll be down in a minute,” she told him. He leaned in to kiss her   
and she turned her head just in time for him to land his lips on her cheek instead of her mouth. Billy was nonplussed as he extended his hand for Oliver to shake and Felicity watched as they bid each other farewell--almost anticipating Billy pulling away with a broken hand. Oliver was nothing but cordial and polite, however, telling him he looked forward to working together and something else about the Star City Rockets that Felicity didn’t pay attention to. With one last lingering touch on her arm, Billy let himself out of Oliver’s office and Felicity immediately blurted

“Oh my God! I am so sorry. This is not how I wanted you to find out about this I just didn’t know when to say it or how to say it and now all of a sudden he’s--”

“Fel-ic-ity,” Oliver said softly, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders as she took a deep breath. “It’s okay.” She tilted her head at him. “I mean, I knew this was coming eventually, I just...I guess I was just a little blindsided. I’m sorry if I came off rude.” 

“You--you were fine,” she assured him. Then Oliver went quiet, looking pensive.

“He doesn’t know, does he?” he asked. “About us?” Felicity shook her head, her face turning red as she stared at her shoes. 

“No,” she mumbled. “Not yet.” Oliver nodded in understanding and moved to sink down into his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. Felicity followed, sitting on the edge of her usual chair in front of the desk, her gaze still fixed on her shoes. 

“You know I did my homework on him before I chose him to head up the ACU,” Oliver said thoughtfully, sitting up a little taller in his seat. “He’s a good guy. Spotless record. Top of his class at the academy back east. A little too eager to please, in my opinion but--” he chuckled and ducked his head to catch Felicity’s eye. “Overall--a good guy.” She didn’t speak, almost holding her breath instead. “Felicity, I want you to be happy. I’ve said it a hundred times. And if he makes you happy? Then I’m happy for you.” She relaxed a bit at the sincerity on his face and let out the breath she was unconsciously holding. 

“That means a lot,” she said, her throat closing up with emotion. 

“That being said, if he hurts you they’ll never find his body,” Oliver said with a mischievous grin. She raised an eyebrow at him and he threw up his hands in defense. “Hey! If not me; John. I’m just saying.” She almost giggled at that. 

“He was telling me all about ‘his girl’ before you got here, you know,” Oliver added with a more serious note. “I didn’t know it was you he was talking about, of course, but... he seems pretty smitten,” Felicity looked incredulous. “I can’t really blame him.” 

“I should probably go,” she said, standing and fiddling with the buttons on her coat. Oliver took that as his cue that a boundary was about to be crossed and stood himself, walking to the door to see her out. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said and she nodded before slipping through the open door, not noticing how Oliver stood there watching her until she had disappeared from his sight. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dance, a gunman, a panic attack.

After five years of being friends with a few billionaires, Felicity was quite used to the myriad of galas and fundraisers and lavish parties. She didn’t mind, even though she felt entirely out of place amongst Star City’s elite. It meant she got to dress in beautiful, expensive gowns and wear jewelry worth more money than her mother had made the entire time she was in grade school. She’d attended a handful of them with Oliver over the years and a bunch more as VP and then CEO of Palmer Tech. Now her best friends were running the city and that meant a lot of fundraisers as they struggled to find investors for the dying city. 

Tonight, however, she was at the precinct fundraiser as the date of a certain detective who was new to the force. She didn’t have an excuse to refuse the invitation now that Oliver knew she was dating again, so she donned her newest knee-length, curve-hugging purple dress and pulled her hair into an updo before heading to yet another hotel ballroom to mingle and eat fancy finger food. She hoped beyond hope there would be wine there. Maybe that would ease the anxiety she felt about having Billy and Oliver in the same room again. 

“Wow,” Billy gaped when she crossed the hall to meet him by the bar. “You look--wow, Felicity.” She smiled as he pressed a kiss to her cheek, then took his arm as it was offered to her.  She took a minute to appreciate him in his gray suit and black tie--his hair was tidier than usual and he had shaved. 

“You clean up pretty well yourself, detective,” she teased him. He slipped an arm around her waist and leaned closer to whisper against her ear.

“That dress is something else--I’m the luckiest guy in this place. Hands down.” Felicity felt her face flush and she tittered nervously. “Dance with me?” he asked. She obliged, allowing him to lead her out to the floor. 

 

They were midway through the third or fourth song when they were interrupted. 

“Detective Malone! Good to see you here,” came Oliver’s business voice as he all but put himself between the two of them. Billy shook his outstretched hand eagerly.

“Your Honor, thank you for hosting. The SCPD really appreciates all the support.”

“My pleasure. And please, call me Oliver,” he insisted. 

“Oliver,” Billy replied. “Thank you.” 

“May I cut in?” Oliver asked, turning towards Felicity. “I have something to discuss with Miss Smoak.” Billy looked to Felicity, waiting for her answer and she nodded hesitantly.

“I could use a drink anyway,” Billy said. “I’ll be back in a bit, sweetie.” He kissed her lips chastely and Felicity could see Oliver bristle out of the corner of her eye before Billy disappeared into the crowd of people on the edge of the dance floor. 

“What did you need, Oliver?” she asked, trying to keep the edge of accusation out of her voice when she turned to face him. He offered his hand to her, looking innocent enough.

“A dance with a friend?” She tilted her head at him, making it clear she wasn’t buying that in any way, shape or form, but she allowed him to pull her close anyway. 

“Oliver Queen doesn’t dance,” she said. He shrugged as he began to sway to the music.

“It was a good excuse to do this,” he admitted. She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him, but she didn’t stop him when he held her a little more tightly. “You are breathtaking in that dress, you know,” he whispered. 

“That seems to be the popular opinion,” she replied. Oliver made a noncommittal sound in his throat at that. “Thank you,” she added, shivering when she felt his thumb stroke along her bare back as his hand rested there. “Was there something else you needed to discuss?”

“Well I did get a text from Curtis--apparently there’s some talk of a possible attack tonight. Evelyn, Rene and Rory are on standby in case we need them. I just want you to be on guard in case someone gets past security.” 

“I wish I could be surprised that someone might want to shoot up a police fundraiser, but it kind of says a lot about my life that I’m not.” Oliver sighed at her, looking at her like he couldn’t believe she was real. It made her breath catch in her throat a little and her knees go weak. 

“Thank you for dancing with me,” he said with a broad smile--one that reached his eyes for the first time in months-- and she couldn’t help but melt at that. “Your detective is back,” he said, the smile falling off of his face all at once as he nodded towards Billy making his way back towards them, a glass of champagne in one hand. Felicity felt a flash of disappointment before internally reprimanding herself and putting a respectable distance between herself and Oliver. 

“I brought you a drink,” he said, offering Felicity the glass he held. She took it gratefully and drained it in a matter of seconds, ignoring the looks of surprise on both of the faces before her. 

“Thanks,” she said, handing the empty glass back to him. “I needed that.” 

“Clearly,” Oliver said. “I can take that back to the bar for you,” he offered, taking the glass from the detective. “Thank you for the dance,” he added, nodding at both Billy and Felicity before taking leave of them. 

“What did the mayor need to talk to you about?” Billy asked. Felicity gaped at him for a moment, trying to think of something other than  _ ‘he just wanted to remind me how much I miss being in his arms’  _ but she was drawing a blank.

“Things about--stuff with the--mayoral--decisions.”  _ Frak. Real smooth, Smoak. _ Billy raised an eyebrow and waited for her to elaborate. Felicity shook her head at herself. Apparently really horrible lies were an occupational hazard. She began to pity the effort it must have taken Oliver to come up with the stories about the scavenger hunt and the energy drink in a syringe. “Just a question about our meeting last week,” she tried again.  _ Much better. _

“I see,” he said, sounding incredibly skeptical. “Why don’t we grab a bite to eat before all that champagne goes to your head?” She agreed, thankful for a reason to stuff her mouth with food before it got her into trouble. 

 

>>>\---------------->

 

Oliver, try as he might, couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of Felicity, even as he spoke with the police captain, the commissioner and the new DA. The dance they’d shared had only made the ache he felt to hold her worse. Yes, he had told her he was happy for her. And yes, Malone seemed to be a decent man who truly adored her. But that didn’t stop the overwhelming surge of jealousy he felt every time the detective pressed his lips to her skin or wrapped an arm around her. It wasn’t his fault Oliver felt an urge to punch him in the face every time he saw him. The poor guy didn’t even know he was dating the love of his life and flaunting it in front of him. Felicity still hadn’t told him, apparently, and so all Oliver could do was plaster on a smile and pretend he wasn’t fantasizing about putting a few arrows through the guy. 

 

He was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t notice the lone gunman who had entered the ballroom until the sound of gunfire rang out, piercing the calm buzz of conversations and classical music in the hall. Through the screams it was still Oliver’s first instinct to place Felicity as he noticed she wasn’t where she had been mere seconds before. He needed to get her to safety. It was the only thing he could think about. He spun wildly, scanning the panic-stricken crowd, his heart beating out of his chest as he looked. Then finally--there she was.

Crouched in the corner behind an overturned table with Detective Malone shielding her with his body, cradling her head against his chest protectively in the same way Oliver had so many times before. The sight threw Oliver completely off-balance. It was like he suddenly had no idea what to do with himself and it took the new police chief physically moving him towards the back of the room before he snapped out of it. 

“Malone! After him! Move!” the chief shouted. Malone stood, hauling Felicity up with him, still clutching her to him before moving swiftly in Oliver’s direction. Suddenly his arms were around her as Malone pushed her towards him.

“Keep her safe!” he demanded before yanking his gun from its holster and charging after the gunman and the other officers in pursuit. 

 

Oliver looked down to see Felicity sobbing in his arms--her chest heaving and her fingers wrapped tightly in the material of his white dress shirt as she clung to him in the midst of a full-blown panic attack. 

“Hey, hey--” he whispered against her ear. “You’re safe. He’s gone now. It’s all over.” Oliver cradled her face in his hands so she had to look up at him. “I’ve got you--you’re safe.” He repeated himself over and over again to calm her, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she struggled to control her breathing. “Remember what you used to do for me when I got lost?” He asked, recalling the method she’d taught him when his PTSD would flare up. She nodded wildly, still not able to stop herself from gasping for air. “Something you can see,” he said softly. She nodded again, her eyes locking with his. “Something you can smell.” She buried her nose in his chest, taking a deep breath and inhaling the scent of cologne and aftershave that lingered there. “Good,” he encouraged her. “Something you can hear.” She turned her head to press her ear where her nose had been, listening to the pounding of his heart in his chest. He pressed his cheek to hers and whispered his last direction. “Something you can feel.”  She leaned into him, rubbing her face against his, letting the feel of his stubble prickle against her cheek. 

 

A few long moments passed and Felicity was breathing normally again, her tear-stained face still buried against him. She took one last deep, shuddering breath and sighed it out. 

“God, you’d think I’d be used to being shot at by now.” She tried to chuckle but it just came out as a sob. Oliver kissed her temple and cupped her cheek again.

“I don’t think anyone could blame you for having a hard time with gunfire after what you went through this winter, Felicity,” he reassured her. “I’d be more worried if you didn’t have some kind of post-traumatic stress issues around all of it.” She melted back into his touch and Oliver’s chest physically ached at the feeling of her against him once more. 

“Mr. Mayor?” a member of his security detail was attempting to catch his attention. Oliver pulled Felicity closer and turned to listen. “SCPD apprehended the suspect, sir. Lone gunman. Just a run of the mill crazy. They’ve got him in custody enroute to the precinct.” 

“Thank you,” Oliver said. The people who were left in the banquet hall were taking stock of the situation--checking in on each other and speaking in hushed tones. From what he could see, no one had been seriously injured, and he heaved a sigh of relief.

 

“Felicity?” Detective Malone was all but running toward them, his face flushed. It didn’t escape Oliver’s attention the way Felicity held onto him a little tighter before allowing the detective to pull her out of Oliver’s embrace and into his own. “Thank God you’re okay,” he breathed out, pressing his face into Felicity’s neck. 

“I’m fine, Billy. Really,” she insisted. The detective looked up at Oliver and grinned at him, relief and gratitude evident all over his face.

“Thank you, sir,” he said. “For keeping my girl safe.” Oliver choked on his reply at first, then cleared his throat, his eyes meeting Felicity’s as she watched him. 

“Always,” he finally managed, his response meant for Felicity alone, and the confusion spreading over Malone’s face made it clear he was beginning to pick up on something between the mayor and his girlfriend. 

“Let’s get you home,” Malone said stoically, pulling her even closer as though he suddenly felt threatened by Oliver’s presence. He leaned to press a kiss to Felicity’s forehead, but she jerked away so he landed on her cheek instead. “Thanks again, Mr. Mayor,” he added. And Oliver could do nothing but watch as they walked away, Felicity turning to send him one last attritional glance as they went. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE shoutout to my beta/editor/bestie L.K--aka my own personal Overwatch--who is not a member of A03, but without whom this chapter would be a mess of horrendous tense mix-ups and missing punctuation.

“Billy I’m fine, I promise. You don’t need to worry about me,” Felicity insisted as he made a display of surrounding her with pillows and bringing her a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen. 

“You were just in the middle of a shooting--you must have been terrified.” Felicity did her best to not roll her eyes and tell him that  _ actually getting shot at is kind of par for the course for me lately, _ opting instead to smile at him gratefully and take a too-large bite of ice cream. “I’m glad the mayor was there to help. I’m sorry I had to run off like that.”

“It’s your job,” she said. “Besides, Oliver’s used to--” She cut herself off before she told him too much, taking another bite instead and talking around it. “Helping. He’s helpful.” 

“You know, you never really told me how you guys met. Are you close?” Felicity cleared her throat and stabbed at her ice cream with her spoon.

“I worked in the IT department at his family’s company and helped him with a laptop he’d spilled coffee on. Then he took over the company and promoted me to his assistant. He’s completely hopeless with technology.” Billy raised an eyebrow at her.

“He made an IT girl his secretary? Sounds like he had a little crush on you.” Felicity choked on her ice cream at that, coughing to clear her throat. “Are you okay? Do you need some water?” Billy asked, moving to jump up from the couch. 

“I’m  _ fine _ . And you don’t need to fuss over me like this,” she said, putting her bowl down on the coffee table. Billy sat back again, letting his fingers trail over her pajama-clad thighs, tracing the pattern of Matryoshka dolls there. 

“I’m sorry for fussing,” he said sincerely, leaning over to kiss her softly. “I think I’m still a little pumped up on adrenaline from earlier. I hated leaving you like that.” Felicity leaned into him and sighed as his arms encircled her. 

“I’m sorry for being snippy,” she apologized. “I’m just tired. I think I’m going to head up to bed.” Billy nodded and kissed her head, moving to the side so she could stand. 

“I’ll let myself out,” he assured her. “But one of these nights it’d be nice to fall asleep next to you, you know.” Felicity forced a nervous laugh. She was definitely not ready for sleepovers. Not when she was still waking up screaming night after night. How the hell was she supposed to explain  _ that _ to him without giving away all of her secrets, along with Oliver’s? With one last kiss, Billy left her alone in the loft. She waited until she saw his car leaving the lot below the balcony before she changed into jeans and a sweater and left for the bunker. 

 

>>>\------------------>

 

She was reading up on the drug Stardust as the new recruits sparred in the workout area around the corner when Oliver came in, looking surprised to see her at her station.

“I didn’t expect to see you here after all the excitement tonight,” he said as he approached from behind her. She swung her chair around and half-smiled at him.

“Keeping busy helps,” she shrugged.

“I’m surprised Malone let you out of his sight after what happened at the fundraiser,” Oliver scoffed. Felicity’s eyes narrowed at him.

“Jealousy is  _ so _ not your color, Oliver. Which is ironic because green usually is.” Oliver opened his mouth like he wanted to refute her, but he sighed as he thought better of it. 

“I’m trying,” he mumbled, leaning against her desk so he was close enough that their conversation wouldn’t be heard by the other members of the team should they happen to walk in. “I just--I guess it didn’t really hit me until tonight. I went to protect you and...he was already there. I wasn’t ready for that.” He shook his head and looked up at her, confused. “Is that stupid?” Felicity sighed and her gaze softened at his vulnerability. 

“No...not at all,” she assured him. 

“I’m glad he was there,” Oliver added. “Knowing he’ll fight for you--it makes me feel better about everything, in a way.” Felicity nodded slowly. Oliver opened and closed his mouth a few times, then wet his lips with his tongue the way he did when he had something to say and was working up the courage to say it. Finally he blurted out, “Are you happy?” Now it was her turn to open her mouth and not speak. 

“I’m…” she hesitated. “I’m trying.” Oliver nodded in understanding. It was all he could do to try himself lately. Try to get out of bed. Try to get anything done at city hall. Try to smile. Try not to fall apart. 

“Line forms behind me,” he sighed. She smiled sadly at him. 

“I’m sorry this is so difficult,” she said, and he despised that he could hear the tears threatening her resolve. “I hate that it’s hurting you so much.” 

“I’m sorry you aren’t feeling any better,” he countered. 

“I’m not  _ feeling _ anything, if we’re being honest,” Felicity shrugged. “I’m just kind of...numb?” Oliver didn’t respond, but rather, waited for her to elaborate. It was a testament to their connection that he knew she was struggling to transform her racing thoughts into words. She just needed time to piece it together. “I thought maybe...maybe making myself move on would help. So I keep seeing him. Keep trying to connect. Hoping that one day something will click. Hoping today will be the day I feel something--anything. And then I feel worse instead of better because I’m stringing him along and hurting you and it’s all for nothing anyway.” 

 

Oliver didn’t really know how to respond to that, so instead he took her hands from where she was wringing them together in her lap and hauled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her. Felicity’s own arms circled him and he felt her fingers clutch at his shirt as she held on to him for dear life. Oliver trailed his hands up her arms to her shoulders, to her neck, to her face. She looked up at him, eyes flashing a thousand emotions at him--confusion, pain, sorrow, trust and then uncertainty. 

“Oliver,” she breathed out. “I just need to _ feel _ something-- _ please _ \--” Her last word was choked and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning closer to her but it was Felicity who surged forward to close the gap--crushing their lips together with a ferocious desperation that knocked the wind out of him. It was slow, but over entirely too quickly. It was hesitant but needy. And they clung to each other long after the kiss ended, their lips lingering as they breathed the same air. All they could hear was the clicking of escrima sticks in the background and the pounding of their own hearts. Their eyes were clenched shut tightly as though they were afraid if they opened them they’d have to face reality. And neither of them could handle that. In the end it was Oliver who spoke first, breaking the trance. 

“How did that feel?” he asked her weakly. Her reply came out as a sob.

“Like home.” 

Oliver was leaning in to capture her mouth again when her phone went off and she closed her eyes in a wince as he rested his forehead against her shoulder. After a long moment where he could nearly hear her internal debate over whether or not to answer it, she turned away from him, glancing at the screen. He could see the shame that colored her face as she answered and he took a step backwards, putting space between them. 

“Billy--I told you I was going to sleep...I appreciate that, but I’m really not that hungry. I just need to rest...that’s fine...Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow then...Bye.” Felicity hung up and put the phone down on her desk, keeping her back to Oliver as she wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and took a deep breath. 

“Hey guys--are we actually getting out on the streets tonight or what?” Rene called as he and Evelyn came around the corner, Rory and Curtis on their heels. Oliver cleared his throat and forced himself to turn away from where Felicity was still composing herself, moving to shield her from the view of the team. He caught Curtis’s concerned look and shook his head at him, imploring him not to ask questions. 

“Yeah, I think a patrol would be a good idea, actually. Curtis and Rory--take north of 69th and Wilson Way. Rene and Evelyn--south side. There’s a dealer that usually hangs around those parts. Do not engage--simply watch. Gather intel. Then come back here.” Oliver fixed his gaze on Evelyn and Rene. “I mean it. Right. Back. Here.” 

“And what are you going to be doing while we’re out beating the streets, exactly?” Rene asked, always looking for a way to challenge Oliver, even when he was getting what he wanted. 

“I have some business to take care of at city hall after the shooting that happened at the police fundraiser tonight,” he explained. Then he added, “Felicity’s in charge while I’m not here.” Rene scoffed at that and shook his head in disbelief.

“Man, quit playin’. Felicity’s in charge when you  _ are _ here,” he taunted. Oliver put on his most unamused look and turned to see Felicity fighting a smile behind her hand. 

“Do you see what you’ve done?” he asked her while she feigned innocence.

“He’s not wrong,” Curtis piped up. Adding “Sir!” when Oliver turned his glare on him. 

“Just--suit up,” Oliver sighed, waving his hand at them. When the team had dispersed, Oliver turned back to Felicity. “I’ll be back in a bit. I do have to stop by the precinct and submit a statement about tonight.” Felicity nodded in acknowledgement, but didn’t meet his gaze as she pretended to be completely absorbed in her research. Oliver hesitated for a moment, lifting his hand to touch her arm but letting it fall back to his side instead before turning on his heel and heading for the elevator. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was rough for me because   
> a) I don't think I'm any good at writing action and yet I always get myself into this situation where I have to.   
> and  
> b) I may have gotten a bit emotional at the end there  
> and   
> c) The horrible objectification of Felicity by the cops was painful for my feminist heart to write, but I was basing their characters off of some of my husband's cop cousins and he confirmed that this scene fits them to a T. Please don't bash me for writing not so nice characters. Thanks.

“Did you see who Malone brought to the fundraiser last night?” The detective glanced up from his paperwork at the sound of his name. Across from him one of his colleagues, Butler, was leaning against the desk of another fellow detective, James, with a mischievous glint in his eye. He could already tell he was in for a ribbing--nothing he wasn’t used to at this point. Hazing was just a part of everyday life as the new guy on the force. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, ready to take it and get it over with.

“Oh yeah--hot blonde. Tits were kind of small but killer ass, though.” Malone narrowed his eyes at them but knew better than to react.

“You sound a little jealous, James,” he said, challenging him to continue. 

“I’m not the one you need to worry about,” James replied, taking a sip of his coffee. “It’s Mayor Queen you gotta look out for, man.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Malone asked. Butler chuckled. 

“I keep forgetting you’re not from around here,” James said. “He doesn’t know that apart from being a reformed party boy and disgraced billionaire, the mayor is most recognized for his ability to sleep with any woman he wants. Oliver Queen is a legend.”

“It was pretty brave of you to let your girl dance with him,” Butler said. “And she still went home with you? I guess he must’ve gotten her all worked up for you.” 

“Felicity is just friends with Mayor Queen,” Malone insisted. “I’m not worried.” James tilted his head at that and exchanged a glance with Butler.

“Felicity? Wait--Felicity Smoak?” James asked.

“I knew I recognized her from somewhere!” Butler exclaimed, smacking James on the arm. Malone raised his eyebrow, waiting for an explanation. 

“She looks different without her glasses, but that ass is hard to forget,” James chuckled.

“Man, come on!” Malone growled at them. “What are you even talking about?”

“Felicity Smoak and Oliver Queen totally used to be engaged,” James explained. Butler nodded in agreement. “My wife was obsessed with all the tabloid stories about them last year. They were like Star City’s golden couple.” 

“Yeah, they got engaged last Christmas--then their limo got shot up and she was paralyzed and in a wheelchair for awhile. Until her company made some crazy computer chip that helped her walk again.”

“Her what?” Malone asked, shaking his head in confusion. The onslaught of information was overwhelming him and he suddenly felt the need for some fresh air. 

“Palmer Tech. She was the CEO until the board ran her out. Pretty sure she still owns it though after that Palmer guy got blown up. It was all over the news--” James stopped and looked at Malone incredulously. “Do you really not know any of this?” Malone shook his head again, frowning and feeling completely blindsided.

“Weird,” Butler said. “Maybe they’re still banging on the side.” James and Butler laughed heartily at that, James slugging Malone on the shoulder. 

“I don’t envy the guy who has to follow Oliver Queen up in bed. Good for you, Malone,” he added, pushing himself off the desk to return to his own. Malone set his jaw before abruptly shoving his chair away from his desk, the metal legs scraping loudly against the floor.

“I need to go,” he said, grabbing his coat and heading for the door. He did his best to ignore the last jab from James as he walked out the door.

“Aww, I think you gave him a complex, man.”

 

>>>\----------------------------------->

 

“I know I said we could have dinner tonight, but I’m really swamped at work and I just don’t think I can get away from my desk.” Felicity was on the phone trying to talk her way out of a dinner date while simultaneously attempting to walk Curtis through disarming a security system on the building where a group of Stardust dealers were spotted leaving that evening. So far she had managed, but it was getting increasingly difficult as the team ran down the clock until they were noticed. She  _ had _ to get Billy off the damn phone. 

“I’m sorry to have to do this again, I know I’ve cancelled a lot this week. I just--hold on--” she covered her phone with her hand and turned away to hiss “Seven, seven,  _ nine, _ three, Curtis! You’ve only got one minute before--” she turned back to the phone “--I’m not avoiding you! I just have a lot on my plate and I--I promise I will make it up to you.” 

“Felicity!” Oliver’s Arrow-voice came over the comms, sounding incredibly growly and not at all amused by her multitasking. 

“I will be with you in a moment,” she replied through gritted teeth, showing him that she had a growly voice too, when the occasion called for it. “Billy. I need to go but I will call you later, I promise...okay. You too...bye.” She hung up the phone and refocused on the task in front of her. “Okay where were we?” 

“Are you done?” she heard Rene grumble over the headset. Felicity cleared her throat as a warning and Curtis gave a muffled “Yes!” as he finally got the door open. 

“Overwatch, we’re in,” came Oliver’s voice again. “Are you with us?” His way of asking the question was at least a bit more polite, but she still narrowed her eyes and glared at the screen where she could see them over the security cameras she’d hacked into. 

“Is this why you said we shouldn’t date while vigilante-ing?” Evelyn said in a whisper, apparently unaware that everyone else’s lines were open. She figured it out when she heard Rory and Rene snort in laughter and Curtis’s noise of choked surprise. 

“It’s good advice, trust me.” Felicity maintained, using her stern voice.  “Now can we get back to work, please? There is far too much chatter on these lines tonight.” 

“Okay, mom,” Rene said sarcastically. 

“Everyone, focus,” Oliver said, clearly doing his best to sound level. “We need to get in, get a sample and get out. Can we do that?” The rest of the team assented and Felicity relaxed a little, scanning the screens to watch for anyone who might show up and pose a threat to the mission. For a brief moment she thought things were going to go off without a hitch. Then she lost the camera feed. 

“Green Arrow I’ve lost my visual--someone must know you’re in there,” she warned. 

“Team--pull back. We’ll have to come back and try again,” Oliver directed them. Felicity heard Rory, Curtis and Evelyn confirm, but Rene was mysteriously silent. 

“Wild Dog do you copy?” She asked. The line stayed silent. 

“Where the hell is he?” Oliver hissed. “The rest of you get out of here, I’ll deal with him.”

“That’s not a good idea--I can’t spot you, Green Arrow,” Felicity insisted. 

“My team, my responsibility,” was his reply. Felicity felt torn between frustration and pride at his response. On the one hand he had shown tremendous growth in his ability to trust people and let them help him. Between that and the warmth she felt spread over her every time she thought about the way his lips had felt against hers the night before, it was almost enough for her to call off their break up. If that was a thing someone could do. On the other hand she did not like him going in blind, with no idea what to expect. Especially if he was ordering the rest of the team to retreat. 

“Be safe. Please don’t die,” she implored. 

“Hey,” Oliver said softly, in the voice he reserved just for her. “I’ll be just fine. I promise.” Felicity sighed at that. There was a good ten minutes of silence before she finally heard Oliver chastising Rene over the comms. 

“I came here to do a job, and I ain’t leaving until it’s done,” Rene insisted. 

“You disobeyed a direct order. You turned off your comm.”

“And I got the damn drugs,” Rene countered.  

“Get to the van,” Oliver snarled. 

“Sure boss, whatever you say.” Felicity sighed in relief a moment too soon. She heard Oliver grunt in pain over the headset, and Rene yell out in surprise. 

“What’s happening?” She shouted, listening as she heard a tussle followed by the unmistakable thud of a body hitting concrete. “Guys? Are you okay?”

“Got him--some goon ambushed us. He’s out,” Rene explained. “I think he got the Arrow pretty good though. Looks like he had a knife. There’s a lot of blood.” Felicity felt her heart skip a beat as Rene painted the scene for her. 

“Can he make it to the rest of the team?” She asked. 

“If someone can give me a hand with him,” Rene replied. 

“We’re on our way back,” Evelyn piped up. “Rory and I are coming. Curtis is waiting in the van for us.” Felicity heard Oliver groan in protest.

“No--I can make it. Stay where you are.”

“Oli--Green Arrow let them help you!” Felicity persisted. So much for evolution.

“We’re coming to help you,” Rory said firmly. “Rene where are you?” 

“Southwest corridor.”

“I see you--we’re right behind ow!” Evelyn yelped as Rory yelled,

“Look out! Artemis!” 

“Wild Dog--they need you. Let the Arrow handle himself,” Felicity said, knowing Oliver had gotten himself out of much worse situations on his own before. The recruits were still learning--they could use all the help they could get. Still it didn’t ease her pounding heart and racing thoughts. “Can you manage, Arrow? I’m reading Curtis’s tracker as just a few hundred feet from yours.” 

“I’m good,” he promised. “But I can’t just leave them--”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” Felicity cut him off. “There’s three of them and one--”

“Two!” Evelyn corrected her breathlessly, still in the midst of a fight. 

“Still a fair enough fight. You need to get back here and get that bleeding stopped before you pass out. You aren’t going to do them any good if you bleed out in a warehouse.”

“It’s not that bad,” he insisted. “I can handle it.”

“Stop!” she shouted. “Stop being such a stubborn ass and get the hell out of there!” 

“Arrow, Overwatch--they’re down--we’ll be there in a second to help,” Evelyn said timidly, sounding like she wasn’t sure if she should interrupt them. Felicity narrowly resisted the urge to growl an ‘I told you so’ at Oliver, opting instead to storm off to the med bay and set up the tools she thought she might need to clean up the troops when they returned. 

 

When they all stumbled in she gave Oliver a dirty look before turning to take care of the gash on Evelyn’s forehead first. A rinse with some hydrogen peroxide and a few stitches had her as good as new in under ten minutes, during which time Oliver had managed get out of his jacket and was gingerly peeling off his undershirt to assess his wound. Curtis had changed in record time and bounded out the door to make it home to his husband. Rory and Rene had retreated to the showers and Evelyn disappeared into the living quarters of the bunker where she had taken up residence in the last few weeks. 

“Don’t--” Oliver said wearily before she could even open her mouth. “I know what you’re going to say and I don’t--”

“What? That you need to stop acting like a damn martyr?” Felicity challenged him, perhaps being a little too rough with the gauze she was using to dab at the wound on his side. He hissed at the pain and she retreated for a moment. 

“I had it under control,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“No, Oliver. They did.” She glared as she poured some peroxide over the gash, mopping it up with a cloth as it spilled over his side. “You had to do it all by yourself as usual, like a stubborn toddler, and you--”

“Maybe if everyone had had their head in the game tonight--” he countered.

“Don’t you dare blame your inability to trust your teammates on me, Oliver Queen,” she glowered, taking a step away from him and throwing the towel at him. 

“Well apparently I’m not the only one with that problem tonight, Felicity,” he snarled. 

“Oh right, and I couldn’t possibly have a good reason not to trust you,” she said sarcastically, throwing her hands in the air. 

“You’ve made that pretty clear,” he said. “That’s why you’re with Saint Billy now, right? Because he’s a good guy? Because he doesn’t tell you lies?” 

“You’re really going there right now?” She glowered. 

“Does he know you lie to him every single day, Felicity?” Oliver asked.

“How  _ dare _ you?” Felicity breathed out, but Oliver wasn’t deterred. 

“Does he know how you spend your nights? Does he know you were engaged before you met him? That you were paralyzed and learned to walk again? Does he have any clue what you’ve been through? Or the first idea of how to help when it all comes back to haunt you?” Felicity snapped at that. All of the hurt and anger and sadness and frustration came bubbling up to the surface and spewed out of her before she could even think of what she was saying.

“None of which would even be a problem if  _ you _ hadn’t shown up in my office with that  _ stupid _ laptop in the first place!”

 

As soon as she had said it she gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth in shock as the room went silent. She just stared at Oliver--he looked as though she’d physically slapped him and for a moment she kind of wished she had. It would have been so much less painful than this. She watched his eyes well up with tears as he staggered backwards a few steps. 

“Oliver,” she breathed out. “Oh my God--I didn’t--” she took two steps forward, reaching for him frantically, trying to beg him to forget the words she’d just blurted out. He shook his head and yanked his arms out of her grasp.

“Don’t--”  
“I didn’t--I swear I didn’t mean it--”

“No,” he said, his voice shaking. “You’re right.” Felicity shook her head wildly and attempted once more to take his hands in hers. He stepped out of her reach again and grabbed his coat off the table before he turned and walked out. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver returns to the bunker after he and Felicity fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait on this one. I had it written before 5x05 aired and then the fandom kind of lost its collective mind over the Olicity scene in that episode. And since the scene I had written was incredibly similar I thought it would be in my best interest to wait. 
> 
> If you were someone who was upset about the outcome of 5x05 this might not be for you. If you are cool with the slow burn then you'll probably be okay here. 
> 
> Either way, the comments section is not the place to bash the writers of Arrow. I understand the angst and disappointment so many people are feeling and I have felt it myself, but I would appreciate being left out of it.

Usually a few hours of putting the fear of God into a handful of low life criminals was a decent enough outlet for Oliver when he had some feelings to work through. The rush of adrenaline would cloud the minds of most people, but it was in that limbo between fight and flight where he felt most at home. Most alive. Most astute. The problem with tonight was that he wasn’t angry. He wasn’t frustrated. He was absolutely gutted. 

It wasn’t as though he hadn’t heard the thought gnawing at the back of his mind for nearly five years now. Every single time Felicity had been hurt or in danger or in trouble--from the Dodger and Count Vertigo to Tockman, the Dollmaker and Slade Wilson (and okay, so maybe Barry had a point about his judgment of their christening of the bad guys) There had always been that nagging voice in his head. The one that made him nauseous with anxiety and self-doubt. The “what-if” a constant, unyielding mantra he couldn’t drown out no matter how many arrows he went through in a night. It had reached a fever pitch the night she had been nearly killed in the back of their car--he couldn’t even keep her safe when he was sitting right next to her. And  _ that _ was the hardest thing of all to swallow. 

After Genesis Day and the months following Felicity’s impossible choice to reroute the missile to Havenrock the voice in Oliver’s head had been a nearly 24/7 diatribe as he watched her struggle to hold herself together and pretend all was well. 

_ She’d be better off if she’d never met you. _

_ You ruined her life the moment you set foot in her office. _

_ You selfish, greedy son of a bitch, what gives you the right? _

 

And while hearing it shouted at him from inside his own head was difficult enough, hearing it coming from her mouth--hearing her voice his greatest insecurity and confirming that she thought the same? Well that was just unbearable. 

Oliver shook his head to clear it and set loose another arrow into the thigh of the subject of his interrogation before stalking off into the night. It had been nearly four hours since he had run away from yet another difficult conversation and it was well into the part of the night when you weren’t sure if it was yesterday or today yet. The team would have cleared out long ago, especially without him there to train them or assign them a mission. When he returned he could have the bunker to himself and be alone with his thoughts and a shot or two of the small bit of vodka that remained in the drawer of his workstation. 

 

When the elevator doors opened to let him out he wasted no time in dropping his gear on the table and tossing his mask to the side. It was when he went to replace his bow on its stand that he saw Felicity in her chair, curled up with her legs tucked underneath her, asleep. Her glasses were askew and her cheek rested against the back of her chair and Oliver couldn’t help but notice how utterly uncomfortable the position looked. He approached her cautiously, crouching down beside her and placing a hand gently on her shoulder, doing his best not to startle her. 

“Hey,” he whispered as she began to stir, the look on her face one of confusion.

“Oliver?” she mumbled, sitting up to stretch. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” he assured her. “You fell asleep in your chair--it’s really late. Why are you still here?”

“You turned your comm off. I was worried,” she said. 

“I’m okay,” he said. The look on her face made it clear she didn’t believe him.

“Are you really?” She asked, leaning towards him. He swallowed thickly and bit his lips for a moment before he shook his head just slightly.

“No. Not really,” he admitted. It took him completely by surprise when she pulled him into her arms, his head against her shoulder as she grasped him tightly. 

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed out against his hair. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m a horrible human being.”

“No you’re not,” Oliver said firmly, his face pressed against her neck. He took an extra moment to breathe her in before he stood just long enough to get another chair, rolling close enough that her knees were tucked between his. 

“I was just--what you said about Billy--it’s true. You were totally right and I’ve already been feeling terrible about all of it and I was taking it out on you because you called me out--”

“Felicity--” he cut her off mid-ramble and she bit her lip to stop herself. “You don’t need to apologize to me. Ever.” She opened her mouth again to protest but he put up a hand to stop her. “You were right,” he persisted. “Maybe you didn’t mean to say it out loud but that doesn’t make it less true.” Felicity’s brow furrowed and she reached to take his hands in her own.

“Don’t,” she pleaded. “Don’t do this.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve heard those words cross my mind in the last five years?” he asked. Felicity shook her head sadly at him. “Bomb collars, Mirakuru soldiers, earthquakes, gas chambers, shootings and--”

“Shh,” she said soothingly, pressing a palm to his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch willingly. 

“Felicity--none of those things would have happened if I hadn’t pulled you into all of this. You’d be safe and happy and whole and I--I--” he paused for a moment and pulled away from her as he gathered his thoughts. “I couldn’t even make myself fight for you when you walked away because I know, deep down, that you’re so much better off away from all of this. Away from me.” Felicity’s mouth fell open at this admission. 

“Oliver, I’ve told you so many times--I  _ chose _ this life. I  _ chose  _ you--”

“A choice you wouldn’t have had if I’d stayed away from you in the first place!” Felicity didn’t even jump as his volume spiked. Even after everything she’d seen him do, she’d never once been afraid of him. Instead, she leaned back in her chair to study him.

“What do you want me to say?” She implored. “Yes, you showing up at my desk with your awful cover stories opened up a whole new, dangerous world to me. And, yes, if I’d never met you I probably could have avoided a handful of kidnappings and some gnarly gunshot wounds, but I would have missed out on so many good things, too,” she insisted, her eyes pleading with him to believe her. Begging him to understand. She continued, her hand trailing up his arm to land on his shoulder. “Knowing you--being by your side-- has been the best part of my life. Without you I’d still be a ridiculously over-qualified, awkward IT girl. You gave my life purpose. You gave me a way to make a difference. And I wouldn’t trade the good for anything in the world, Oliver.” She tilted his chin up so he had to look at her. “You have to know that.”

Oliver took a deep breath and exhaled, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. Being vulnerable was not easy, and tonight had been exhausting on that front. 

“I’m sorry I pushed you about Malone,” he finally said. Felicity forced a laugh and shook her head, sighing. 

“Well don’t be. Like I said, you were right.” She slumped back in her chair and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. “He called me shortly after you left tonight, insisting we needed to meet. So I met him upstairs in my ‘office’ that I’m ‘renting from you’.” She accentuated this with air-quotes and Oliver raised his eyebrow. “Well I couldn’t very well tell him it was a cover for the mayor’s vigilante lair, could I?” She explained.

“So what happened?” Oliver asked with a grin.

“He dumped me,” she said matter of factly. Oliver’s jaw dropped. “Yeah,” Felicity responded. “Apparently the guys at work filled him in that he was dating the mayor’s ex. And he asked me why we still spend so much time together. Clearly my options were a) I was cheating on him with my ex or b) you’re the Green Arrow and I’m your trusty sidekick.”

“So you chose?” Oliver prompted. Felicity bit her lip before responding. 

“Option c) It’s complicated,” she said. Oliver tilted his head, waiting for her to continue. “To which he replied, ‘God, Felicity. You are the only person on the planet who considers the truth complicated’. He then proceeded to tell me he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust him and then...he left.” She threw her hands up in the air and looked up to gauge Oliver’s reaction. He looked absolutely dumbfounded.

“Wow,” he said, blinking. “That’s--”

“Painfully ironic?” she offered. 

“Uh, yeah...that sums it up pretty well,” he chuckled. She gave him a dirty look and pursed her lips. “I’m sorry--I don’t mean to laugh it’s just--” he paused and shrugged. “I think he’s overreacting a little bit, don’t you?” 

“What do you mean?” Felicity asked.

“Well, I mean, it’s not like you have some secret kid you were keeping from him or something--ow!” he rubbed his arm where she had punched him. “Too soon?” She tried glaring at him, but dissolved into giggles mere seconds later. 

“Oh my God, what is wrong with us?” she groaned, throwing her head back. 

“We are kind of a mess,” Oliver agreed. “For two people who have basically saved the

world.” He ran his fingers through his hair and Felicity smiled at him and sighed.

“We really are,” she agreed. “But for what it’s worth? There’s nobody else I’d rather save the world with.” He beamed back at her and nodded. 

“Me too,” he replied. Felicity bit her lip, looking insecure for a moment as their laughter faded. She reached up to rub the back of her neck nervously.

“Are we...are we going to be okay?” Oliver looked a bit confused. “Things have just been so complicated and strained between us for the last few months and I,” she reached for his hands again and squeezed them between her tiny ones. “I miss my best friend.” 

“Of course,” he assured her. “I miss you too.”

“I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be before…” Felicity trailed off and Oliver’s chest tightened at the implication. 

“Before we were an us?” he asked.  She nodded.   
“You know that’s not possible, Felicity.” She shrugged sadly and he sighed. “But I wouldn’t want them to, either.” 

“No?” she said, intrigued. 

“No. Because even though this relationship ending has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the fact that you’re still here by my side says everything. Nobody understands me the way you do. And even if we never fix the romantic part of our relationship, I’d rather have you in my life as my friend and my partner than not at all. It was hell watching you walk away from our future together, but I managed to hold it together until you left the team. That destroyed me.” Oliver shook his head and stared at the floor. “And when you stayed after Genesis--I felt like maybe I could go on living after all. Even if I didn’t get to go home to you every night I still got to talk to you and see you every day. It kept me going when nothing else could.” 

“Oh,” Felicity breathed out. Oliver shook his head again like he was trying to clear it and took a deep breath. 

“Anyway,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “Why don’t you spend some time with Thea tomorrow night? My treat. You could probably use some girl time and I know she could too.” Felicity smiled at that. 

“I do miss Thea,” she said thoughtfully. “Evelyn is great and she’s kind of like the little sister I always wanted but…” she trailed off. “Thea almost  _ was  _ my family, you know?”

“Then it’s settled. You guys should do like--a movie night or something.”

“What about Arrow stuff?” 

“I think we can manage one night without you. If we need you we’ll call. Maybe you can even convince Thea to come back,” he said slyly. 

“I’m not doing your dirty work for you,” Felicity retorted and he chuckled. Their laughs faded and the two fell silent for a moment before Oliver spoke again.

“For the record, Felicity, you  _ are _ family. Thea still has you in her phone as ‘sissy’ and as far as we’re concerned you and Dig are every bit as much a part of the Queen family as either of us.” Felicity grinned at that, bashfully tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. 

“That means a lot,” she said. “Thank you.” 

“You never have to thank me,” he said, holding her gaze. 

“Yeah, well...I’m still going to,” she insisted. 

“Go home and get some sleep,” Oliver said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. For the first time in months it was as natural as breathing and neither of them even flinched at the contact. Instead they just shared a smile until Felicity yawned. 

“That sounds like a really good plan,” she agreed, standing and stretching. “I will talk to you tomorrow?” Oliver nodded, smiling softly up at her. “Great. Good night, Oliver.” She leaned down to place a kiss on top of his head. 

“Good night, Felicity,” he replied and with one last glance over her shoulder she got on the elevator and waved as the doors closed. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls' night doesn't go as expected.

It was a strange concept, being alone in the loft in her pajamas so early in the evening, but Felicity had been seriously neglecting her household duties (domesticity had always been more Oliver’s thing than hers) and so she spent the evening doing laundry, cleaning out the moldy leftover takeout from the fridge and running a dust mop over the floor for the first time in months. She knew Thea had been having a hard time getting away from the office, but it was still disappointing to get the text letting her know she needed a raincheck. Quentin had been doing less than stellar as deputy mayor, leaving Thea to pick up the slack from both him and Oliver lately. 

Determined to not let the cancelled girls’ night ruin her first night off in  _ forever _ , Felicity had decided to enjoy some wine and a Netflix binge--maybe even a bubble bath--and try her hardest to keep her mind off the way Oliver had all but told her there wasn’t going to be a second chance for them. It was disheartening, to say the least, that he had regressed to the Oliver of old in such a way.

She was pressing start on the dishwasher when the doorbell rang and she hesitated before crossing the room to answer it. 

“Oh!” she said in surprise when she saw Oliver on the other side, looking sheepish.

“Hey,” he said, suddenly looking as though he hadn’t thought this through. “I um...I’m sorry to surprise you like this but..Thea told me she had to cancel and the kids promised they could handle things on their own for one night so I...I thought I’d stop by.” Felicity tilted her head at him a bit, confused. 

“Why, exactly?” she asked. Oliver’s eyes lit up mischievously and he lifted the two paper bags he was carrying. Felicity stepped aside to allow him inside the apartment and he made a beeline for the kitchen island to set down his cargo. 

“Well you told me yesterday you miss your best friend,” he began, rubbing his hands together nervously. Felicity leaned against a pillar and crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. “And, it is my duty as your best friend to help you get over being dumped, according to my sister.” Felicity snorted at that, amusement spreading over her face. 

“I think we’ve been set up,” she scoffed. 

“The thought did cross my mind, but then I realized I didn’t care,” he explained. “I just want to spend some time with you, outside of the Arrow cave.”

“What did you have in mind?” she asked skeptically. Oliver grinned and reached into the first bag, pulling out two pints of ice cream. 

“Mint chip ice cream. A bottle of your third favorite red wine--because I can’t afford your first or second favorites anymore, unfortunately--Chinese food from that place you like downtown--” he pulled out the wine and some takeout containers and laid them out before reaching in once more to pull out a set of DVDs. “--and a Buffy marathon to remind you--and these are Thea’s words, mind you--that you are a ‘strong, independent woman who don’t...need no...man’.” He said it so straight-faced, like he was reciting lines from a script, and it made her burst out into appreciative, uproarious laughter until her face had tears streaming down it. “You’re laughing,” he noted, sounding a bit insecure. Felicity wiped her cheeks on her arm and tried to get herself under control. “And you’re...crying? Why are you laughing and crying? Is this not…?”

“No!” she insisted, doing her level best to speak through the hiccups. “No, it’s  _ perfect. _ ” Oliver looked at her across the island like he wasn’t sure if she was making fun of him or not. She rounded the island and put a hand on his chest. “Really,” she promised. “Thank you.” She pushed up on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek and he flushed a bit. 

“So this is okay?” he asked. “I just--after yesterday I didn’t--”

“It’s wonderful,” she said sincerely. “Exactly what I need.” He relaxed a bit, looking relieved and she moved to the cabinet behind him to retrieve a couple of wine glasses. Oliver dug the corkscrew out of the silverware drawer and opened the bottle, pouring each of them a generous portion.

“Cheers,” he said, raising his glass to her. She tapped hers against his and they each took a sip, a tension-filled silence falling over them for a moment.

“So,” Felicity began. “No vodka tonight?” Oliver nearly choked on his wine and he put his glass down, but avoided her discerning gaze. 

“I uh--didn’t think that was a very responsible choice,” he admitted. “Given what happened in the bunker this summer.” 

“I see,” she responded thoughtfully, and Oliver noted the undertone of disappointment in her voice as she swirled the wine in her glass. Their silence grew a bit heavier as they stood across from each other. 

“Felicity,” he said timidly, clearing his throat. “Do you remember how I said last night that I’d rather have  you in my life as my friend and partner than not at all?” 

“I remember,” she said, nodding. 

“I just…” he bit his lip in trepidation before taking a deep breath. “I’m so afraid that if we try again and I fail that I’m going to lose you altogether and I can’t--” he closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat as the emotion bubbled up inside him. “Felicity I can’t lose you again,” he whispered. He forced himself to look up at her and saw her eyes brimming with tears, her arms crossed over her chest like she was trying to physically hold herself together. She pulled herself onto a stool at the counter and reached for his hands where he had them resting on the counter, running her thumbs over his knuckles. 

“I love you,” she breathed out, her voice barely a whisper, and his chest ached at her words.  _  God,  _ he missed her. 

“I love you too,” he said. “Which is why I need you to understand that we can’t go back.” Felicity nodded, but the hurt in her eyes betrayed both of them. 

“There won’t ever be another person who means to me what you do,” she said with a sniffle. “You know that, don’t you?” Oliver inhaled and let the breath out slowly. 

“I feel the same way,” he assured her. Felicity studied him for a minute and Oliver could feel her eyes piercing through him, see her mind flashing through a hundred different thoughts all at once. After what felt like hours of agonizing silence she nodded and Oliver noted how her shoulders slumped and her eyes fell to the glass in front of her, her fingers dancing over the rim. Oliver knew it was a kind of defeated acceptance on her part, and his heart broke all over again at the idea that he was hurting her all over again. It was a battle inside of both of them over what they wanted so desperately and the fear of losing everything they had worked so hard to rebuild over the last year. 

“So that’s it then?” Felicity asked, her voice shaking a bit as she did her best to show him her ‘I’m okay’ face. 

“I think it’s for the best,” he told her, trying to convince even himself that it was true. She bit her lip and forced a smile, then held up her glass to him. 

“To moving forward, then,” she whispered. Oliver lifted his own and gently tapped it to hers, holding her gaze despite the pain. 

“To us,” he countered. They kept their eyes on each other as they drank their wine, then Felicity let out a choked sigh, wiping the back of her hand over her face.

“I always thought closure was supposed to feel better than this,” she said, her voice nearly a sob. Oliver shook his head sadly at her.

“I’ve found that, generally, the right choice is the hardest one,” he said. 

“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged. 

“Please don’t hate me,” he pleaded and the corner of her mouth ticked up just slightly.

“That’s not possible,” she said. “I tried.” This time it was him who smiled, and the two of them shared a chuckle. 

“So ice cream?” He prodded, pushing one of the pints across the counter to her, followed by a spoon he’d fished out of the drawer. She opened the container and took a big bite. 

“Definitely ice cream,” she sighed. “Always ice cream.”

“Go put the show on--I’m going to change quick,” Oliver said, plucking a pair of sweats and a tshirt from the other bag. 

“Okay,” she agreed, gathering the assorted items from the counter and transferring them to the coffee table in the living room. Oliver returned a few minutes later in his pajamas and plopped down on the couch just in time for the show to start. 

Between fights over who got the last piece of sweet and sour chicken (of  _ course _ she won, because he could never say no to her) and reminiscing about movie nights with Roy and Digg back when times were simpler, neither of them could think of a better way to spend their evening. And when Felicity fell asleep on his shoulder, snuggled up against him halfway through the fifth episode, who could blame him for sliding an arm around her and falling asleep with his cheek atop her head? He knew from his vast experience that life was far from perfect, but as long as she was in it he would manage no matter what came his way.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I know this didn't end the way many would like, but it's for a good reason.
> 
> I have two ideas for short fics to add to this--one pre-fic story addressing what happened with the vodka this summer, as mentioned by Oliver in this chapter, and one that takes place after Oliver starts dating Susan Williams. 
> 
> So stay tuned. And thanks for reading!


End file.
